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| Call me a bummer, slacker, lazy potato couch (there isn't even space on the couch for me to laze upon).
I can't be bothered right now. Focusing my energy on blocking dad's ramblings out of my mind. It's taking too much out of me.
dust has collected everywhere ~ killed a baby roach ~ must find and exterminate roach nest ~ dad has turned house into dumpster ~ i am faring no better ~ sack of rice has got weird insects i've never seen before ~ $25 in my UOB bank account ~ debit card still not approved, already a week ~ dad talking about going to penang, will not follow ~ no money for French ~ absolutely no space in cupboards for books ~ books all piled up ~ vibrator's getting wacky, think water's seeped in ~ miss Cheryl ~ want to slap Anderson ~ owe Yee Ling money ~ too many nice baby dresses at Victoria's Secret ~ house is an oven ~ internal clock disrupted again ~ braces causing me agony ~ dentist going to kill me ~ meeting Amery at 2 am ~ dad going to shout ~ block block block | | |
| I'm not lonely. I don't want friends. I want to shut myself up and barricade everyone out of my life. I want to be just with myself. But I want someone to love. He doesn't even have to love me. But I just want someone I can care for. I can name only 1 person who made my heart beat wildly before. Or made me feel things I didn't think this cold heart could accept. I wonder if there's even space in my life for another one. | | |
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| Beth, you gotta have a plan. A new you. Not a different you, just a new you. Do not snap at rude service people anymore. It is not so much of being "above it" but that it does not benefit yourself. Do not criticize unnecessarily and then only when your opinion matters. Which means even if someone asks for it, but you see no cause for your interjection, don't open your mouth. Think before you speak. Even if it's a simple Hello measure your tone. Give as much as you take. Remember that the world does not revolved around you. Do not whine to people. They cannot help you. Keep abreast of current affairs, new syllabuses, and at least the superficial level of entertainment. Stay away from negative people and keep your own negativeness to yourself. Share cynicism with those close to you: Cheryl, Yuchin, Anthea but no others, it would not benefit you nor others. When you are upset, delve into your dreams and remind yourself that since life can no longer get any worse, it can only get better. Take a stand in what you believe in. Choose friends who are honest. They will be there for you and if they aren't, at least you know they never lied to you, making you a fool. Pride is stupid, forget it and it opens the doors to knowledge. Place distance between relatives and yourself, but repect them and help them all you can. After all, with Papa's case, you now know that blood cannot be diluted. Just like truth written on paper can be erased, but that of blood cannot. Make everyone you know as comfortable as you can without being someone else. When approached by a beggar, give him/her $5 or whatever you have in your wallet at that moment; you never felt poverty and cannot comprehend what pushed them there. Wipe all thoughts of beauty enhancement from you mind, God made you what you are for a reason. You may not be well-endowed, but at least you know that when someone says you're beautiful, he's not talking to your breasts. It is when you no longer need the path that it becomes visible. There is a reason herein. Most people plough through the marshes and start blaming God when a hidden track uncovers itself at the last minute. Don't be one of those people. It is because God knows you have the strength to do it the hard way, or because God wants you to discover that strength that he allows you to take the less trodden path. You may not be religious or agree with everything the Church prescribes, but it is impossible to not respect the presence of God. Confucius is Communistic, but that doesn't mean there is nothing to learn from his wisdom. People blame God for wars and famine, but if there really was no God as they so vehemently try to prove, then whose fault would it be? No one's but ourselves. Look for friendships, not for love. No one actually "finds" love, because if that were so, then all of us should drop everything in our lives and search for it. Besides, love is not a "thing" you can dig out. Think. How many "feelings" and "emotions" were "found"? Happiness? Anxiety? Sadness? Excitement? If you didn't "find" these, how could you possibly "find" love? All these come with people, situations and time. Love is elusive not because it wants to frustrate you, but because it wants to surprise you, when you least expect it. What fun would there be if you knew who loved you right away? Don't get into the habit of trying to find out about your past or future. The "seers" may not be false swindlers, but if they can see into the future, then it means Fate has planned everything for you and all is predestined. And if you don't believe in Fate but in creating your future youself, then what good would it be to have such knowledge, either way? It is at these times that ignorance is truly bliss. Would you prefer to spend a lifetime waiting for the inevitable, or play the game move by move, in anticipation? Don't ostracize people from your circle of friends. They may be weird or bizarre; even crazy. But remember that to them, you are the crazy one. Don't squash every insect, they might play an integral part in the Ecosystem. You never know if the unfortunate bug under your shoe is the last of its kind. Roaches, ants and nuisance rodents have to be exterminated. Even then, they are here to warn us. Without them, would most of us be compelled to keep our environment clean and tidy? Their presence reminds us of what diseases or epidemics could break out if we neglect our surroundins. Don't fret when it starts pouring just as you're at the beach blading, cycling or sun-tanning with your friend(s). Trapped under shelter you'ld be forced into conversation with your friend, possibly getting to know them better or seeing another side of them you'ld never have known had you both just dozed under the Sun. Stereotype if you must, but with an open mind, because stereotypes are inadvertantly made up of individuals Besides, people change with time and experiences. Today's yuppie would be tomorrow's New Age Youth. Your heart should be kept soft. Hard hearts are heavy to bear, and when dropped, tend to break. Soft hearts feel better to the touch, and when dropped, can cushion themselves. Do not tell someone they're pretty/sexy/slim when they're not. It's insulting. Pick out an attribute or two and compliment them on that. There's a reason why "Helen with a face that launched a thousand ships" exists only in mythology. It's just like dressing, you highlight your best feature and accept the "lesser" parts of you. There's no point in trying too hard at making your "lesser" parts look beautiful because when you are laid bare, it can be quite shocking to see that there's not much behind the facade. Don't depress yourself that way. People would only see you as a fluke in time. Do things that would benefit others as well. Why do you want power, fame or wealth? Just beacuse you want it? Or because with power, you could make decisions to help the powerless, with fame you could influence others for the better, or with wealth you could give to others what they require yet lack? Enemies are not alloted to you, they are created. Although you may not always have a hand in creating the enemy (especially when said enemy chooses to be one), you can still choose to worsen or maintain the current situation. |
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I feel so hopeless.
How can I feel my heart beat but not live?
yet,
How can I not feel my mind functioning yet think?
I've always wanted to achieve something great,
never had a clear objective,
so long as it would be great I didn't care.
Then my perspective changed.
I still wanted to achieve something great.
I still did not have a clear objective.
But it was narrower now, more personal.
I wanted it to be personal.
Recently I wanted it to be nothing more than personal, I no longer cared if it was only worth the dirt in the streets.
And now, I'm beginning to feel more and more lost.
I can't envisioning myself in a swank, designer office, chairing meetings, giving out orders, choosing the new paint for my apartment or dining at a 5* hotel restaurant with a celebrity chef.
I just want to do what I want, as I like, with no one to answer to. I want to do what I do best.
Someone asked me a question: What did you use to do as a child that you still do now? What do you do when you're alone?
My answer: I used to talk to myself, roleplay with myself, sing, dance, write stories, imitate people like my neighbours or friends, think of witty comments to retort with. When I'm alone in the bath I pretend I'm an opera singer or Whitney Houston. I think of poems which I never write down, I think of lyrics to songs which I'll never compose.
Why don't I dare do all these now?
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